Better Off Dead
by Tacomaster
Summary: That's what Dib is, better off dead...Zim has taken over, and Gaz & Gir are, ah, helping him. Gaz's POV. Sequel to Taco Fic Please r&r, flames welcome. ON TEMP. HIATUS
1. Chapter I

A/N: I know that I've taken an incredible long time to get this up (it's been what, eight or nine months since I posted for Taco Fic?) but the point is, it's here now, and that's all that matters. Right?  
-Sigh.- Not right. Writer's block sucks. I knew basically where I wanted to go with this, it's just that getting from idea to story is so very hard some days, and with all the shit I've been dealing with…well, I suppose you don't want to hear about all of it anyway.

Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, Dib, Gaz, etc. All of the above belong to the almighty Jhonen Vasquez and Nickelodeon (sp?).

More tacos are in order for Ri2, Indigo Darkness (how many do I owe you by now?), Ross Pingolt, ssjbob2004sgirl, stagger, pixie, Feimi, bleedingwhilebreathing, akik0 (5 for you), theskywillfall, and Dib, because it was requested that I give all four of Dibsthe1's tacos to Dib. -hands out tacos.- If you want tacos, then you'll just have to leave me reviews, nice or not, and your name too, can be on the list in an upcoming chapter.

Ok, we pick up where Taco Fic left off. If you haven't read it, what are you waiting for? Go, read. Shoo. It is a little bit after that, actually. Zim took Gaz's plan, delivered flowers with an airborne pathogen to Dib in the hospital, and now Zim has established himself as ruler of the world; they have assumed Dib be dead after he vanished from the hospital. The medics said he was probably delusional, went to some rat hole, and died. As far as Zim being in charge, most people haven't even realized what happened; they just know that they take orders from that funny green guy and his "cute lil dog". Gaz has a nice job working for Zim; she is Official Hyoooman of All Things Electronic, which is a nice way of saying she gets paid to sit and play videogames and eat pizza all day. Good job for her, eh? Gir helps her a lot with the pizza, and sometimes with tacos too. It is still her POV, and as we pick up the story, she is playing Vampire Piggy Slayer III with Gir.

* * *

"I beat you again, Gir." 

"Awwwww…I'm gonna go be a taco!"

"Stupid robot…" as I help myself to another slice of pizza. This is the life. No Dib, no para-whatever crap, and Vampire Piggy Slayer III…it doesn't come out for another three weeks, and I've been playing it for a month and a half. I'll never understand why Dib was so against Zim, helping him was the best think I've ever done…besides beating Dib up, of course.

"Gir, what are you doing over there? Come back here and start another round with me."

"I'm gonna play with the Scary Monkey. Do dee do dooo…"

"Aaahhh Gir, no! Not the monkeeeeyyyy!" Zim screams from his lab.

"If you didn't want him to have the monkey, why'd you get it for him?"

"I didn't, filthy earth worm. He dragged it here and I just haven't tossed it out yet."

-Twitch- "Ziiiiimmmmm…..what did I tell you about calling me that?"

"The tall and mighty Zim does not take orders from his filthy slaves."

"I'm not your slave, and you're still not tall."

"SILENCE! Tall, I tell you! As tall as the Allmighty Tallest themselves."

"What was that, Zim?" Purple interjects from the transmission screen.

"Eh heh heh, almost sir, almost. But not, of course. Who could be taller and mightier than the pair of you?"

"Right, that's what I thought you said."

Easy to see why Zim's so stupid, if the Tallest are the best representation of their race. They told Zim to keep ruling the planet and the armada is on its way (after they finished choking on their donuts, they said this) and Zim bought that load of shit. He didn't hear them mutter that he wasn't supposed to conquer it…I mean, sheesh, even I know he was supposed to die.

Gir looks up at me and starts pleading "Gazzy, are we starting another round?"

"-Sigh.- After I go outside and have a smoke." (A/N: yes, Gaz has started smoking now. Cigarettes, not weed.)

"Why can't you just do it while we play?"

"Because Gir, your master STILL won't let me smoke in his base."

That's odd. No "to hell with you stink monster, ZIM will not inhale your cancer fumes." He must be _really _wrapped up in his latest project for him to be ignoring me like this. Whatever, I'm going outside for my cig.

-Unlike the image we always get from Dib, the world is not in ruins, although Zim's base is in an undesirable part of suburbia. Not suburbia with white picket fences and nice green lawns, but not in a slum either. Closer to the first one, I suppose, but that's as good as hell as far as I'm concerned.-  
I'm so tired of having to sit on the fire escape to light up, and dealing with our neighbors fucking each other all the time…it gets really old, really fast. If I wanted to see that, I'd buy porn. And some of the noises they make, well, I want to throw up. And speaking of noises…

"Zim, are you ok?"

* * *

bwaaaa hahahaha, already a nice cliffhanger for you all. Don't you just _love _getting them? I know it was short, but the next one should be up really soon (if I get any reviews for this, of course). And it was only short because I had to get back in the flow of writhing chapters that aren't songfics…those are _much _easier to write, but not where I wanted to go with this fic. Soon though, and though short, keep this in mind, there are many important details in here that will come back later. 


	2. Chapter II

Random question for everyone before I start this chapter: in my profile, one of the words in there keeps getting changed to a hyperlink, taking you to some random crap site. I keep changing it back, but that's never permanent. Does anyone know how to make it go away and stay away? If anyone can let me know, that would be great. : )

Disclaimer: I own this fic. I also own my really cool IZ armband and t-shirt. Sadly, that's about all I own. Jhonen Vasquez and the network-that-must-not-be-named own everything else in here. Got that?

* * *

"Zim, are you ok?" 

I stare at him, unable to believe what I'm seeing. He's got some bright orange fluid dripping out of the corners of his mouth. As it hits the ground, it makes a slight sizzling noise before being absorbed into the dirt.

"ZIIIIM is perfectly alright, stink monkey. What gives your inferior brainmeats any other idea?"

-Shrug- "Maybe it's the orange crap coming out your mouth?"

"Crap? Where is there any fecal matter?"

"hahaha, Zim, I meant that there's orange…stuff coming out, and there usually isn't. Are you bleeding?"

"Nonsense. No one would DARE injure an Irken elite such as myself…wait, who am I kidding."

"That last bit was a bit mumbled, Zim, I didn't quite catch it. And what is that stuff, then, if not blood?"

"That 'stuff' is the Irken equivalent of your human tears. It's just more rational to have spit and tears coming out of the same place."

"You were crying? Why?"

"LIES! Why would I be crying?"

"You just said you were."

"I, uh, must've poked myself in the squeedely spooch. Oooh, my aching squeedely spooch." as he grabs a spot on his chest that even I know is too high to be his squeedely spooch.

"Zim, isn't your squeedely spooch down there?"

"Don't touch it. It hurts."

"Ziiiiiiimmmmm…"

"Yes, worm baby?"

"ZIM!"

"What?"

"I TOLD you, don't EVER call me that."

"Whatever."

"What were you crying for?"

"Who says I was crying?"

"ZIM, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" I can feel the dark aura surrounding me, and apparently Zim can see it, because he started babbling.

"Alright, filthy stinking worm baby, although you are not worthy to hear the mighty ZIM's problems, since you are being so forceful, I shall be forced to tell you, though I really don't want to, huh, the very idea of an Irken soldier being forced to share his problems with another is foolish, especially when that other is an inferior hyooman…" I waited for him to finish blathering on and on how I wasn't worthy to hear his issues, and finally he sort of got to it.

"…and my Tallest said that I should never have been smeeted, and that they sent me here to die, because there wasn't supposed to be a planet here, and that I'm never allowed to contact them or return to Irk, and the armada…isn't coming, because this planet wasn't worth conquering, and a COMPETENT invader would've gotten it in half the time…"

"Zim, that's terrible."

"The Tallest were wise to-"

"No, they weren't. They're pathetic excuses for leaders if they're going to treat you like that."

"You dare speak against the Allmighty Tallest? On Irk you would be executed for such foolishness."

"Good thing I'm not on Irk then, although they'd have a hard time executing me."

"I don't doubt that."

"I'll pretend that was a compliment."

"It was."

"Really? You've never said anything nicer than, 'you're not bad, for a pig smelly.'"

"For me to admit that you may be able to take out any supreme Irken guards, even if it is by luck, is very high praise, especially for a hyoooooman such as yourself."

Oh. "Thanks, Zim. And I'm really sorry about your banishment. Is there anything we can do about it?"

"WE can't do anything. I, however, may be able to, in time, change their minds. Maybe if one taller than them comes to power, I can appeal it, and maybe he/she will allow me to return to Irk. Though I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt it?"

"Impending Doom I…long story. No Irken in their right mind would allow me back."

Zim gets a look so…hurt, I can't help giving him a brief hug.

"What was that for?"

"Because I feel bad for you."

"Awwww, Master loves Gazzy!" I hear an electronic voice squeal behind us.

"GIR! I thought I ordered you to remain inside the base at all times."

"Aw, I think you're cute like that." Gir stated as though he didn't hear Zim (which he probably didn't.)  
"Master loves you Gazzy. Do you love my master?"

"Uh, Gir, aren't your taquitos burning?"

"My taquitos. MY TAQUITOS!" as Gir runs screaming back inside.

"You avoided answering his question, Gaz-human."

"And you avoided confirming or denying his statement. I won't ask if you don't."

"Deal." and he held his arms out.

"Zim, what are you doing?"

"Sh-shouldn't we have to grab each other somehow?"

"Shake hands?"

"Wouldn't grabbing each other again make it more permanent?"

"…I guess so."

As Zim stepped forward to give me a brief hug, I felt…something. I think he did too, because as he pulled away, I could swear I felt his lips brush across my cheek.

* * *

Aww, wasn't that sweet? No? I didn't think so either, but it begged to be written, and it fit so well with the story line. I like it. Well, people, please R+R, and I hope to have the next chapter up soon, depending on how well I keep up with all of my work so as to get enough free time. It's been kind of light so far, but wait…just wait. >:) 


	3. Chapter III

I'm thinking that there should be some author note, disclaimer thingy here, but I can't think of one, so I'm just gonna start typing the chapter now.

* * *

_Ever have a one night stand, especially with a friend, and then have to see them every day after that? You know; where you get really crazy (and maybe even drunk), not realize what you're doing, and then have to go on, pretending that nothing happened? Well, that's how things are with me and Zim; after he kissed me, and I thought he might…_feel_ something for me (-shudders-). Then he goes and acts as though nothing happened. I thought that I might have a real problem with him…then the REAL problem showed up. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I really should just tell the story the way it happened, and let you decide where the real problem is._

I wake up slowly, becoming conscious hours before I drag myself out of bed. Usually. Today is different, though, as Gir decides to jump on my bed repeatedly until I'm awake enough to yell at him.

"Gir, what are you doing?"

"I'm waking you up."

"Why?"

"…I forgot."

"Damn bloody useless." I growl at him.

"Oooooooooh yeah. I remember now Gazzy!"

"Great. Why, now?"

"Master wants you."

"Well, you can tell your master to forcibly insert the request into his anus."

Gir cocks his head, sticks his tongue out, and just looks at me.

Sigh. "That means he can shove it up his ass, I'll get up when I'm damn good and ready."

Gir runs out, and I curl back up to sleep a bit longer. Within minutes, Gir is back with Zim in tow, and they are both saying stuff, trying, yet again, to wake me up.

"One. At. A. Time."

They pause for a moment, look at each other, and then resume babbling.

"Stop. Both of you. Zim, speak."

"Thank you, Gaz-human, for acknowledging my superiority over Gir. Not of course, that there was ever any doubt, but still, a superior being such as myself enjoys recognition, and to be told this by a slave without prompting is-"

"Zim, cut the crap and tell me why I'm being woken up."

"Zim will not be spoken to in such a way, Earth filthy."

"Tell me right this goddamn minute why I'm being woken up at such a godforsaken hour!"

"Because, oh _wise _one, today is the day that we reveal ourselves as supreme rulers to the mindless filthies out there. We are also supposed to be attending the funeral for your disgusting brother this afternoon."

"…When did they find the body?"

"They didn't. Professor Membrane had a free spot in his schedule, and decided to not wait for the body of his poor, insane son to surface."

"So we're not even sure he's dead!"

"Oh, believe you and me, Gaz, he's quite dead. I rigged the flowers, and none escapes the might of ZIIIIIIIIM."

"Fine. Just get out and let me sleep."

"Sorry hyooooman, but I can't let you do that."

:Twitch: "And why the fuck not?"

"Because of what you told me, about humans and their customs."

"Huh?"

"It is customary to wear black to one of these funerals, yes?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"And we don't own any suitable black clothing. So we need to go and acquire some by this afternoon, as well as a suitable disguise for Gir."

"Can't he just stay here?"

"Think about the last time we left him here by himself."

"Ah. Good point. We could just tell everyone he's your seeing eye dog because you're blind."

"Exxxcelent."

"Not excellent, Zim. This probably means a trip to the mall. Know who lives there? Preps and mallrats."

"I like preps. Yaaaaayy." Gir adds between bounces on my mattress."

"NO, Gir, that's BAD!" Zim yells.

"Awww, but I luvded those little preps. I luvded them good."

"Gir, do you even know what a prep is?" I interject.

"Wheeee, I have no idea what you just said." Gir runs screaming from the room.

"Riiight. Mall, then? Fine. Go, and have fun. Just know that I'm not going with you. I'm going back to sleep now. Leave."

"Fine, just tell me what horrid things I must wear to this…funeral. TELL ME or suffer the doom of the mighty Zim stomping boot!"

Shit. If I send him there as himself, or even with Gir, who knows what crap he'll come back with? On the other hand, the mall sucks, and I don't want to go there. Bed warm, no dignity for bringing the freak, bed warm, take crap from relatives and dad. Arg.

:SIGH: "FINE, Dib, I'll go with you."

"Stink-monkey?"

"DON'T call me that. And what?"

"…Why did you just call me Dib? That freakishly big-headed freak isn't here anymore, you know that. He's dead."

"…I didn't call you Dib."

"LIES! Filthy lies, you DID!"

"Maybe 'cause he always dragged me places I didn't want to go to, same as you're doing now."

Zim sits there for a few minutes, as if deciding whether or not a comeback is worth it.

"Up, so we can go to this filthy mall."

"Fine, I'll get up. YOU get to put Gir in some clever disguise and tell him to behave."

"Why me?"

"He's YOUR robotic slave, not mine."

"But he listens to you."

"You want me to come with you or not?"

"Fine."

twenty minutes later, Gir is in his little brother costume, and Zim and Gaz are trying to walk from the bus stop to the mall

"Gir! Come back here this instant."

"Whhhyyyyyy?"

"Because normal human worm babies don't go running after squirrels."

"Awww, but he's so cute. And stinky looking."

I can't help but chuckle at the stupidity of people…I mean, come on. There's no way that Zim and Gir can be human, but everyone ignores them as though nothing's wrong.

"We're here Zim, you can stop chasing Gir now."

"Finally. Where are we headed first?"

"ooooh, how about there?" Gir pipes up. "It's so shiny lookin."

'There' happens to be a Sam Goody with all of its silvery cds.

"Um Gir, I don't think that's a very good-"

"Excellent Gir, that's perfect."

"Zim, no."

Too late.

"Excuse me, counter slave, but I am going to require your assistance."

The 'counter slave' just looks at him with a typical girly 'like, I sooo am not getting paid enough to deal with this, like, loser, just because my rich daddy wouldn't pay for my, like, stuff anymore' look and says, "yeah, I'll, like, be with you in a second" and then under her breath mutters "freak."

"Come on Zim, this isn't the place to get what we need."

"Nonsense Gaz, Gir pointed this out as the perfect location. I say we stay here, and don't worry about the foolish counter slave that won't wait on ZIM!"

"Fine. You want her attention? You get it. Just don't say I didn't warn you."

"Come on Zim, this isn't the place to get what we need." I repeat loudly, and this time the bimbo comes running.

"Like, welcome to Sam…uh…Goody. I'm Amber, can I, like, help you?"

"Greetings, Amber. We're going to a funeral today, and we-"

"Oh, like dark goth-y stuff. Yeah, we got that. Right here." And points to a Marilyn Manson cd.

"No, foolish counter slave, we need-"

"Or, like, this is better if you want real music for afterward, there's this." She hands us an Ashlee Simpson cd.

"Ewww goddamn preps" I growl at her. Unfortunately, she didn't hear me. Zim did.

"I think you were right Gaz, let us go elsewhere."

"'bout damn time."I growl.

"Where to now?" He asks me after we leave the prep behind and fight our way out of the store.

"Why are you asking me?"

"You're the human, in case you're forgetting, and that makes you the expert here."

"And how the hell does being human make _me _an expert?"

"You've lived here all of your filthy life. I haven't."

"But you make it sound as though I've been to a zillion funerals. Just one, and I was too young to remember much of any of it."

"That's one more than I've dealt with. Besides, I know where you spend most of your time."

"How did you find out about that?"

"You don't exactly hide it."

"True, but it's so quiet there, and nobody bothers me. Ever hear the phrase 'silent as the grave'?"

"Well, you still have to see a lot of funeral hyoomans while you're sitting lounged up on the tombstones."

"Not really. I play Gameslave the entire time. I don't pay attention to any of them."

"Figures. Still, were do we go now?"

"I still don't know, Zim." He is really starting to get on my nerves, and being here isn't helping. For fucking sake, how many times do I have to say that I don't know before he gets it?

"How about there?" I look to see where he's pointing, and I think that I may be sick. Hot Topic, where all of the wannabe goths go. What's only ironic is that, in trying to escape the preppy hold, they only feed it. (A/N: true. Hot Topic is owned by Abercrombie and Fitch.)

"Are you sure that's where you want to check Zim?"

"Unless you have a better idea?"

I don't. "Allright, let's go. The sooner we get this over with, the better. Just don't expect me to be nice to all the wannabes in there."

Instead of a bubbly prep, Hot Topic's counter slave looks like a stoned zombie, one that hasn't been washed in over a month. He reeks, and is possibly dumber than Paris Hilton. I don't know if you know the type, you know, the guy with long hair, perpetually stoned, slurs all his words together and those that aren't slurred are so horribly shortened you can hardly understand him.

"…uh, 'ni help 'uguys wi'n'thing?" (Translation: uh, can I help you guys with anything?)

"What did you just say to Ziiim?"

"I think he just asked if he can help us with anything."

"Fascinating. What language does he speak?"

"It's called stoner."

"Well, then tell him why we're here. I can not speak this…stoner language."

"Tell him yourself Zim, just don't speak too fast or use any big words."

"Greetings, stoner counter slave. We require clothing to attend a funeral this afternoon, and since you offered your assistance, you can go find us some."

Blank look from stoner guy.

"What my friend is trying to say is that we need something black to wear later today."

"Du', yur fren' 's weir'-ass, man." (Translation: Dude, your friend is weird-ass, man.)

"I know he is, just tell me where to get what we came for."

"r'lax, du, 're's black shi' ev'whr. uguys blin' or sumpin?" (Translation: Relax, dude, there's black shit everywhere. Are you guys blind or something?)

"No, we're just not used going to funerals all the time, _our _friends aren't junkies getting shot or OD'ing every other day."

"du, yura bitch. S'no nee' f' that. 's'only trina help ya." (Translation: Dude, you're a bitch. There's no need for that, I was only trying to help you.)

"Allright Zim, I don't think there's anything of any use in here. Let's go."

"'bou' time…freaks."

"Shut up stoner, or I will destroy you."

_Gir got next pick, he took us into some 6th grade girl store. I'll spare you all the details of the trip to that store, in the interest of keeping this manageably short, and also the interest of blocking out that memory. It was horrible. Pink, glitter, and over exposed little girls everywhere, screaming and running away from those horrible horrible freaks. It was kind of funny, the expressions on their make up crusted faces. We couldn't get any employees to talk to us there, the management just asked us to leave, because we were disturbing the (over)paying customers._

"Ok, Zim, Gir, this is getting really stupid. Let me pick the store."

"Finally the almighty stinkbeast offers her assistance."

"Shut up."

"Make me."

Silence.

"I thought not. You need me too much."

"Lead on then, instead of gloating over your neededness."

"Here. This place should work." This place turned out to be some random generic department store, complete with old ladies fighting over bargains. Kind of pathetic, really, but still…the place to pick up what we needed.

"What are we looking for today folks?" drawls a woman who looks bored to death with her job. Very fake looking dye job, to give her blond hair, she looks like some tired, used 40-something has-been who's trying to be young again. It's not working too well for her.

"My normal friend and I are searching for funeral clothing, like any other normal worm baby would be doing. Where can we find such clothing?"

"boy's department and misses, probably." as she gives an overloud and obviously fake yawn.

"Thanks…for nothing you old hag." I muttered the last bit so as not to attract her attention all over again. We all know I don't need that. We walked over to the misses section first, found me a black dress that I can probably get away with wearing to mine and Zim's ceremony later, and headed over to boy's, wherewe started (started, ahahaha) having problems with this little jaunt. Zim hates ties.

"Come on Zim, this is what all normal humans wear to a funeral."

"You're not wearing one."

"That's because I'm a girl."

"So what? That doesn't mean anything."

"I don't know how it is on Irk, but here gender makes a big difference. Believe me, dresses and skirts are worse. I would trade you in an instant."

"Ok. You wear the tie, I'll wear the skirt."

"No trade Zim."

"B-but you just said we could."

No, I said that if we could, then I would. But we can't."

"Why not?"

"It wouldn't be…normal to trade like that."

It didn't help matters any that Gir chose that precise moment to declare that ties are for short people to look prettier, and he found one with a moose that he wanted.

"Gaaar, that's it. No ties will make ZIM look short and pathetic. I am ruler of EARTH and all of it's filthies, and no ruler is short. Do you hear me! I AM-"

He broke off abruptly when he realized that people were staring at us, and finished with "-heh, heh, a normal worm baby buying a normal tie. Now GO and stop staring at my wonderful NORMALNESS!"

Surprisingly, most of them did go, except the woman that tried to help us earlier.

"Is that all you're going to need?"

"Hmm? Yes, this is all Zim will require today."

"Good, can you pay for it and leave? You're disturbing the rest of the customers."

We did just that, paid for the dress and ties (we decided to let Gir have the moose tie) and left. We had to take the bus back to the base, but Gir chasing pigeons no longer seemed to be a big deal. Until the attack of the stupid person.

"Aww, that kid is just so kyooooot, he looks just like you…are you his mommy and daddy?"

"Eh? No! Gir is my rob-"

"Robbie, his nephew. He wanted to go see, uh, santa at the mall."

"It's April, lady." Yells some random jerk on the sidewalk.

"Right, I meant the easter bunny."

"Aww, how sweet." Croons the lady.

And then she walked away, just like that.

* * *

Next chapter funeral, although it might take awhile. I've been neglecting my work a bit to get this one finished, because it wouldn't leave me alone until I took care of it…my poor, tortured brainmeats. Oh well, they'll live, I hope. 

On a side note, I have decided to take a leaf out of thejennamonster's book, and start putting random references to outside sources in here. (Not counting the bunch of lines from different IZ episodes.) One of them is pretty obscure (Stagger, if you're reading this, you had better get the really obscure one), but the other ones should be guess-able. Your name in the next chapter if you can let me know what any of them are, just use your brainmeats and DON'T put the answers in your reviews, mkay? ((hears mumbled whisper in the background)) Yes, reviews. You know, the lovely reviews that you were going to leave me telling me what you think thus far, nice or not, I don't really care as long as you say something. Those reviews. Don't give away my answers in them. ((hears whisper again)) Don't be ridiculous, voice-that-isn't-really-there, of course the readers are leaving me reviews. Right?


	4. Chapter IV

AH HATE MICROSOFT WORD! I had gotten quite a bit of this chapter done, and then friggin' word deletes it all (dark grumblings under my breath)…So if this comes out sounding like crap, it's because I'm too pissed to care right now.

Nobody got any of my references last chapter (sigh), so here's where I explain them all to you, since I know just how much you really care anyway:

"Damn bloody useless." I growl at him. This refers to the play Dancing at Lugnassa, written by Brian Friel. One of the characters (I forget which one) refers to the gramophone repeatedly as damn bloody useless.

"Well, you can tell your master to forcibly insert the request into his anus." Donnie Darko, which was actually a pretty good movie. Kitty Farmer said of Donnie, "I'll tell you what he said. He asked me to forcibly insert the Life Line exercise card into my anus." On a side note, this probably wouldn't have been a bad thing.

"For fucking sake, how many times do I have to say that I don't know before he gets it?" Bit of a stretch, but this refers to the song Surfacing by SliPKnoT. "The feelings, the question, the price is too human for fucking sake this is no kind of life."

I don't know if this counts as a reference to an outside work, but "Fine, just tell me what horrid things I must wear to this…funeral. TELL ME or suffer the doom of the mighty Zim stomping boot!" refers to Shelley Midnight's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. "Really, filth creature, what is your plot? Tell Ziiiiim! Tell Zim or –" "Which empty threat is it this time, Zim? 'Invoke your wrath!'? 'Suffer the doom of the mighty Zim stomping boot!'?" That's her line, I liked it so I…borrowed it. Ish good fic too, go read it.

If any more get worked in (note how I'm not necessarily the one putting them in, I swear this thing writes itself, and I have no control whatsoever as to what happens here), send me the answers at Adolphin86(at)aol(dot)com just put something like better off dead as the subject so I don't accidentally delete thinking it's spam. Winners get air guitars.

Now that I have finished my longest ever pre-fic-thingy, on with chapter IV!

Wait, no. I need a disclaimer. So just let me think of a clever/humorous one…thinking…thinking…I got nothing. Except my bigass roll of bloodred duct tape, and my supercool Jolly Roger on the wall. That's it. No IZ.

* * *

"GIR! Get your tie out of the toilet and around your HORRIBLE neck."

Heh heh heh, if I weren't forced to wear a dress for someone who won't appreciate it anyway, I might feel sorry for Zim. As is, I can't help but laugh at him.

"Gaarg, GAZ! Quit laughing at my amazingness and help me with this WORTHLESS!"

I give him an innocent look and sweetly, "But Zim, I'm not ready either, and if I stop to help you, I won't be able to show up looking normal."

"I can't look normal without this tie, as you so _kindly _pointed out for me in that…mall."

"Sorry Zim. I need to finish getting ready myself."

"But this horrible-"

"What, can't an Irken invader tie a tie by himself?"

"Arg, that's not the point."

"I think that it is, Zim. Besides, I think that Gir needs my help more than you do right now."

"What!"

"Unless you admit that the tie is getting the better of you?"

"But no Irken can be bested by something as simple as a tie. Why I've been tying more amazing ties since I was a smeet."

"Then let's see you tie this one."

"Why should the ruler of a planet do something so tedious as tying a tie when he has hyooooman slaves to do it for him."

"Know what? This planet is half mine, and I most definitely am not your slave."

"But-"

"Tell you what, I'll tie it for you-"

"That's better"

"-IF you admit you can't do it yourself."

"I…WHAT!"

"Admit you NEED my help, and I'll help you. Otherwise, I can see a robot that is in desperate need of assistance."

"FINE, this tie is too primitive for the wonder and amazingness that is ZIM! to tie by himself."

"Not quite what I had in mind there, spaceboy."

"Good enough, now HELP me, I COMMAND you."

I simply raise one eyebrow at him. "Riiiight, that's really gonna make me want to help with your tie."

He folds his arms and glares at me. "If you want me to go, then you can tie the tie for me. Otherwise, I stay here with Gir."

"Speaking of, where did he go? I'm gonna go find him, that tie had better be properly around your neck when I get back here."

MEANWHILE in another sector of their base, Gir is trailing his tie in the toilet and talking to his piggy. "Their anger hurts my ears. It's been running strong for seven months. Rather than fix their problems, they never solve them. It makes no sense at all. We see them every day. We get along, so why can't they? If this is what he wants, and what she wants, then why's there so much…GAZZY!"

I have the sudden urge to laugh at his antics; and and yet at the same time I want to strangle him for making me realize that he's like a little kid, and that Zim and I argue like a married couple…just like mom and dad used to do before she left him. I settle for sighing and pretending that he's annoying me.

"Gir, shouldn't you be getting ready for the funeral?"

"taco taco taco."

"…yeah. Ok. Come on, let me put that stupid thing around your neck. You just better hope that I don't pull it too tight."

"Silly Gazzy, breathing is for humans. And I'm a GIR."

I look at him as though I am just now realizing this. "So you are."

He cocks his head at me. "Why do you and masta argue allatime?"

"I don't know Gir. Maybe he's too egotistical for his own good."

"He likes you lots."

"Well, I would hope so, seeing as how he lives with me and all, and how we're ruling the world."

"Nooo, Gazzy, he loooooooves you."

I freeze tying the moose tie.

"Gazzy? Why'd you stop? Ah need to be pretty for alla humans we gonna go see."

I finished with it. "There Gir. Done. Now leave it alone, I gotta go see if Zim's ready to leave yet."

"Hey ET, ready to go yet?" I yell across the house.

Silence. Nothing, no ranting, no anything from him…what the hell? I finish walking back to the room I left him in, making sure to walk quietly. I push open the door, and glance in to see…

(AN: I had seriously considered ending the chapter here, but then I was forcefully reminded that I had promised the funeral in this chapter, and so I need to keep going. No rule against stalling at the good part though, so that you don't get to know what happens… -gets hit in the face with a tomato- I…guess that means you want more fic, and less stalling? -Another tomato is hefted by a reader- Allright, sheesh, now where was I? -Tomato is thrown- Ok, no more stalling.)

…Zim sitting talking to minimoose, with very familiar looking orange drippings on the floor by his feet.

"…and she said I have to get the thing tied, but I can't, and I don't want her to be upset with me because-"

My too-loose ring chose that precise moment to slip off my finger and hit the floor. Zim jumped up as though he had been zapped with a cattle prod.

"Gaz! How long were you spying on the mighty ZIM! Are you double crossing me!"

"Relax, I just came down here to see if you were ready to leave yet. Here, let me help you with that."

I crossed the room and tied the tie around his neck. He glared at me suspiciously.

"This doesn't mean I can't do it myself."

"I know. But why should the oh-so-mighty Irken do it himself?"

He looked even more suspicious, but realized that I was trying to save us another argument, and let it go for now.

"Go call Gir, it's time to leave. I'll be out in the car."

Not stopping to wait for him to argue with me, I walked out to start up the '94 POS we had acquired and hope that it didn't die on us again.

.-Forty Minutes Later-

"Tell me, Zim. How did you take a five minute trip and turn it into forty?"

"Your filthy directions."

"Bull SHIT, I don't believe that for an instant. I blame your dog, and his need for tacos."

"taco taco taco." Gir says contentedly from the back seat.

"YOU try telling him no." Fair point. "Besides, it only took a few minutes."

"You mean it only took a few minutes AFTER Gir decided what he wanted."

"He didn't take that long."

"I think your crappy driving was a big part…I mean, who really puts a funeral home on Albuquerque by the casino? Why did you have to take a left there?"

"Hmph. We're there now, what more do you want? Besides, I thought you didn't care if we were a bit late?"

"A LITTLE late, I don't mind, that means around five or so minutes. Not FORTY."

Zim just sits there silently for a moment, which has got to be a first for him.

"Sigh. Come on Zim, let's just go in, nothing we can do about it now."

Murphey must really be smiling upon me today, as the first person we see when we walk in is Aunt Cara. Ugh. She is the type that thinks all little girls should wear pretty pink dresses and play house and dolls and suchthelike. She has a daughter my age that I was forced to play with a lot, that instead I threw mudballs at. Not my fault she wouldn't leave me and my GS2 alone. I think about telling Zim to go start the car, fuck this, when she runs up and smothers me with a hug.

"Gaz, darling, it's SO nice to see you again, you look SO pretty…is this your BOYFRIEND? You look SO kyooooot together, awwww…"

"Can't…breathe…" I choke out as I try not to suffocate on her perfume. What did she do, bathe in that stuff?"

"Amanda was SO looking forward to seeing you today, she's right over there."

Having no choice but to get this over with, I trudge over to where my cousin is standing, decked out in black, and yet making it look girly instead of gothic, as only Amanda can do.

"HI, Gaz, it's just _great _to see you again, and I'm so _very _sorry about your brother ("Don't be, I'm not.") but I'm kind of glad at the same time ("Me too.") because that means that we get to hang out, we haven't hung out in _so_ long, we really should get together more often, I'm having a sleepover, maybe you can come, I can give you a makeover…ooh, is this your boyfriend, how long have you been going out, did you go to prom together, are you gonna get _married_, can I be in the wedding, and"

"Whoa, Amanda, time out. Zim is not my boyfriend, I don't need or want a makeover, and I am NOT going to your sleepover I have better things to do."

"But why not? ALL girls just _love _sleepovers and makeup."

"NOT this girl…shut up Zim."

"OOOOH, that doggy's kyooot, can I pet him?"

"Eh? NO! Keep your filthy worm hands off of my-"

"Yeah, sure Amanda, go ahead."

Zim drags me back a few feet and begins hissing, "Why did you let that horrible filthy cousin of yours run her disgusting hands all over my robotic slave? What is wrong with you?"

"Look, Zim. I want her to leave me alone, and she'll throw a fit if she can't pet him. Besides, look at him. He's enjoying her attention."

"Remind me why I'm here?"

"Because it looks highly suspicious if you and him were always together, and you hated each other. They'll connect you with his death, and if you go to jail for murder and when the death penalty gets applied, they'll disect you to see if there's some similarity between all violent criminals, at which point they realize you're not human. This way, it re-affirms the theory that you two were friends, and so you're not under suspicion anymore."

"But I didn't even like the Dib-worm."

"Neither did I, but you see me here anyway. Sometimes you have to deal with things you don't like. If you're nice to me, I may be able to get us out of here a little bit early though."

"How are you going to do so, and how soon can this be arranged?"

"By faking sick, but not until I see Erik and Uncle Rich."

"Who's Erik?"

"One of my cousins, Uncle Rich's kid. You might actually like him."

"Go find him then."

There became no need to go and search for Erik, however, as I sense someone sneak up behind me, put their hands over my eyes, and whisper, "guess who?"

"Hey Erik, what's up?"

"Aww, how'd you know it was me?" He says with feigned disappointment.

"Well, let's see." I say mockingly. "First, you're the only one who won't make a big deal over Zim and ask if he's my boyfriend."

"Hey, you finally scored, that's great."

"Second," I go on as though I hadn't heard him, "you're the only one who comes to a funeral smelling like he was tokin' on the way over here."

"Who says I wasn't? Besides, so was Rich."

"Yeah, but at least Uncle Rich has the decency to cover up the smell when he pulls into the parking lot. You, however, don't seem to mind."

"Why cover up something such a beautiful smell, with something like perfume? I'm not a girl."

"Because then maybe you could get some chick to pay attention to you?"

He looks around. "Nope, no real chicks here, except Amanda, and who'd want to pick _that _up?"

I hit him playfully. "Idiot, what does that make me?"

"Same thing you've always been, a guy trapped in a chick's body."

"Are you going to tell me who this smelly is?"

"Sorry Zim, I thought you were paying attention the first time. This is my cousin Erik, the only truly decent person on this planet besides myself and Uncle Rich."

"So, Gaz, is the green dude your boyfriend, and is he really green, or am I just trippin' again?"

"He really is green, it's a skin condition."

"STD? Gaz, what did I tell you, when you pick up male hookers, make sure they're clean."

"Oh, make sure you haven't gotten them first?"

"I'm not her boyfriend."

"Zim, he knows, he was just messing with me. Where's your dad, Erik?"

"Rich is over there."

"Cool. We may take off in a bit, wanna come with?"

"Can't. We took Rich's car, so I have no way to get back home."

"We have a car, sure you don't wanna come?"

"Sounds good, what kind of car, and how you getting out of here?"

"I'm coming done with some horrible queasiness, I need to go…Zim drives, and I don't. So when I feel oh-so-terrible, he has to leave with me."

"Sweet. Mind if I light up, or are you worried about your car's interior?"

"I don't care, the car is a POS."

"A genuine POS, or just calling it that?"

"The real deal. It was really cheap, or we wouldn't have bothered."

"How bad we talking?"

"Real bad. No rear view fucking mirror, seven different colors, fucking rag for a gas cap, tail pipe making sparks fly everywhere. It's bad, but it's better than what we had before."

"Oh yeah? What'd you have before?"

"No car. So you in or what?"

"You bet. How soon are we bustin' out? I don't think I can fake being upset over that loser much longer."

"Eh? I thought you were related to the Dib-worm?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that he liked Dib any more than I did."

"Gaz, please stop changing the subject for your rent-a-date, and tell me when we're outta here."

"Lemme talk to Uncle Rich first, and then we're gone."

"What, don't you want to talk to Cara and Amanda?"

"Been there, done that. Couldn't stand that…but I don't need to tell you about that, now do I?"

"Ugh, don't remind me. I had almost forgotten."

"Forgotten what?"

"That Cara's his mother."

"In name only."

"And Amanda's his sister."

"I still think that they switched two of the babies at the hospital."

"Erik's the only reason that it was worth going over to Aunt Cara's all the time. For some reason, despite being several years older than me, he decided that I was cool enough to hang out with."

"Hey, it was infinitely better than Dib's paranormal shit. Besides, having been forced to play house with Amanda, I felt your pain."

"Erik is actually the reason I play Gameslave. He let me play his, and I was hooked. He gave me my skull amulet too. Remember?"

"Yeah, I was into voodoo magik and stuff for awhile, and I wanted you to have the protection of my amulet. Besides, Cara wanted to chuck it, and I couldn't let that happen."

"Yeah, she let go of that idea whenUncle Rich left her temporarily. Even still, he won't let me give it back to him."

"Look, a gift is a gift. If you wanted to give me something else in exchange, that would be fine, but I gave you that amulet, and I won't take it back, not for any reason. That's just not cool. Anyway, go find the old man so we can book it."

"And I assume that 'old man' would be me?"

"Hey Uncle Rich, what's up?"

"How many times do I have to tell you, that 'Uncle' makes me feel old?"

"Maybe that's 'cause you are?" Suggests Erik.

"_Uncle _Rich, you know that's the only reason I do it to you."

"So who's the boyfriend?"

"Male hooker." Erik adds helpfully.

"Nah, one of my close buddies, Zim."

"Did Erik get bad stash again, or is he really"

"Green, yes. Skin condition. Dib was horrible to him about it, teased him mercilessly. It was a real chore to get him up here, but he and I are really close, so…"

"That's why they're ditching this rathole, 'cause Zim don't like Dib any more than me. She's playing sick so he can drive her home, lemme take off with them?"

"Depends…got any more stuff?"

"It's coming with me, Oldie Rich, don't even think about it."

"If I let you go."

"Feh. If I don't have the royal say-so, what's stopping me?"

"Grounding."

"Which I bust out of by bribing you with your own stash that I liberate when you're out getting wasted."

"You clever little…well, that info was definitely worth making excuses for you. See you by midnite?"

"Best make it two, who knows how long it'll take poor ickle Gazzy to recover from her sickness. And by the way, you _do_ know it was your stuff on the way here, right? That I'm taking with me?"

"Figures. I'm going through your room to find more to replace it with."

"Don't bother, I've smoked it all already."

"Just like your old man."

"Yeah, except that you don't actually smoke your own stash, I do."

"Get outta here before I change my mind, ok?"

"No arguments here."

"Gaz human, don't we need to find your parental unit before making our untimely exit?"

"I'll deal with him, you go wrestle Gir from Amanda."

"What about me?"

"Umm, go find the POS and try to make it start."

"Can do."

I walk across the room, swiftly avoiding Aunt Cara before she ropes me into spending the night there, away from her bad influence of a son. Dad is sitting in a corner with a few of his fellow scientists, discussing the plans to make a Superwaffle to match Supertoast.

"…And the biological compound is just enough to compensate for the properties of the-hello daughter."

"Hey dad. I don't feel good, do you mind if I go home?" Nevermind that home isn't where he thinks it is at his house, he doesn't even realize I moved out seven months ago.

"Daughter, your poor insane brother only gets one funeral. Are you sure that you want to leave?"

I glance over at Aunt Cara. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"Ok. Make sure you don't die too, I don't have room in my schedule for another funeral."

"Yeah dad, I love you too." I mutter sarcastically. Not that he would hear me anyway, as he's already re-engrossed in his discussion with Simmons.

"Ready to go?" Erik asks.

"Yeah. Let's go."

_From up above in the rafters, a figure cloaked in darkness shifted its position slightly, waiting for its opportunity. As the foursome left the funeral home, the figure's eyes, surprisingly bright in the darkness, watched them. Watched…and waited.

* * *

_

Dis chapter ended up with a few references after all, so…send me da answers via email, and win your very own air guitar, worth forty dollars.


	5. Chapter V

References from last chapter are as follows:

"Their anger hurts my ears. It's been running strong for seven months. Rather than fix their problems, they never solve them. It makes no sense at all. We see them every day. We get along, so why can't they? If this is what he wants, and what she wants, then why's there so much…GAZZY!" Blink 182, Stay together for the kids…straight quotation, except that I changed it from seven years to seven months. Gipsychan got that one. -hands Gipsychan air guitar-

"Silly Gazzy, breathing is for humans. And I'm a GIR." Anybody remember the Trix commercials, silly rabbit trix are for kids? Dibsthe1 did, gets an air guitar.

"I think your crappy driving was a big part…I mean, who really puts a funeral home on Albuquerque by the casino? Why did you have to take a left there?" Bugs Bunny, taking that left turn at Albuquerque…again, Dibsthe1 picked up.

"Real bad. No rear view fucking mirror, seven different colors, fucking rag for a gas cap, tail pipe making sparks fly everywhere. It's bad, but it's better than what we had before." Adam Sandler's Car Song, aka Ode to my Car, aka Piece of Shit Car. Excellent song; too bad nobody knows it.

'Dis chapter ended up with a few references after all, so…send me da answers via email, and win your very own air guitar, worth forty dollars'…Refers to the idiot who bought an air guitar off of ebay for forty dollars. Heh heh heh…sucker.

There was sort of another reference, but at this point, it would be too much of a spoiler to tell all of you, so maybe you can just figure it out for yourselves…maybe I'll put it in a later chapter, who knows.

Despite pixie's insistence in his/her/its review of knowing all of the references, I received no email, and so I am forced to draw the conclusion that he/she/it is an idiot who wishes to know.

I still don't own IZ, so please, Mr. Jhonen C. Vasquez, don't sue me, because I know that you're really _that _bored that you need to come read my crappy fanfiction.

* * *

"Zim, what the hell is wrong with this car now!" I yell as it breaks down yet again.

"Ha ha, you were right Gaz, it _is _a genuine POS." Erik gleefully adds from the back seat. I'm about to knock that stupid grin off of my cousin's face when he notices the glare I'm giving him and quickly adds, "But if you want, I can probably fix it, auto is the one class I was really good in."

"Asshole, why didn't you say so sooner, would've saved Zim the twenty minutes last time it died."

"You never asked."

"As annoying (and smelly) as he is, your cousin is right Gaz. You _didn't_ ask."

"Well, how was I supposed to know?"

"Whatever, just lemme fix it, ok?"

"Fine."

Within minutes, Erik was done fixing the car and we were well on our way.

"So where are we going, now that we've ditched the funeral?"

"Well, I was thinking that maybe we could…oh SHIT! Zim, do you remember what we were doing today?"

"Eh? That horrible funeral."

"And?"

It takes a minute, but slowly a look of understanding crosses Zim's face.  
"The mindless filthies! Today is the day we assert our control over them!"

"Uh huh. You ready? I can have a news crew or three here in minutes, just say when."

"Dude, what's going on?"

I turn to face Erik and sigh.

"Zim and I took over the world, we have assigned today as the day that we show ourselves to all of the mindless rabble out there."

"Ok Gaz, get your…news…crews out here. I'm ready."

"Erik, gimmie your cell phone.

"What if I don't?"

I forced myself to not beat him senseless as I gritted out through clenched teeth, "If you don't give me the cell, I'll rip your intestines out your ass and strangle you with them."

He grumbles under his breath for a moment, and then hands me the phone. "Here, just don't be on too long, the more minutes you use means a bigger bill for Rich, and then he doesn't have weed money. If he doesn't get any weed, then there's nothing for me to swipe."

"Uh, riiiight…I'll keep that in mind."

Let's see…0 for operator…

"Hello, operator, how may I help you?"

"I need the number for any area news channels and newspapers."

"Why, do you have an emergency to report?"

"No, just a big story that'll interest them. Oh, why am I explaining to you? Just gimmie the

numbers."

"Fine, but I am not responsible for any havoc you wreak with them…" and she rattled off a list of numbers that I frantically copied onto my arm.

(555) 666-1972…

"Channel 6 news."

"Uh, I have a really interesting story to report."

"Mmm, I'm sure…well, lemme have it."

"Weeeelll…I can't exactly do that."

"Then why am I going to send a news crew out?"

"Oh please…I saw that story you did before, you'll take anything…besides, the line may be compromised. You wouldn't want another channel getting hold of it, would you?"

Pause. "What kind of credit are you asking for?"

"What?"

"If we publish it, what kind of source credit are you demanding? Where should we say we got it from?"

"Well, you could just say an anonymou-"

"Perfect. Just tell me where you are."

I rattled off the names of the street corner, and then called the other networks and papers. After a number of surprisingly similar calls, I turned off the phone and handed it back to Erik.

_The shadow from the funeral home shifted its position restlessly from its vantage point across the street, knowing that the group could only be up to no good. It then resolved to stop at nothing to stop them. "After all," it reasoned, "they're not expecting me to thwart them. I'm not really here anyway."_

"Ok, they should be here soon. Mind telling me what the plan is, Zim?"

"Well, I was thinking that we just stand up and demand their unending and blind loyalty."

"Bad plan. Nobody'll go for that one."

"You have a better plan then?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. What if, say, we have Erik fake to be in some life-threatening danger, and then Gir jumps up to do something of it?"

"How is this better? I thought the plan was to establish us as rulers of the mindless-"

"I'm not done yet, shut up. Then we say that he's your greatest creation, the one creature completely benevolent being, the only one that doesn't put greed, corruption, or self first, the one being fit to rule this country. To put a stop to all wars, conflicts, etc. we need to establish a set of international laws, to be enforced by one leader. That leader being Gir."

"But we're supposed to be putting ourselves in charge."

"We are. Gir is just a figurehead, he takes all his orders from us. Or, he could appoint us his joint second in command, and then we can invent some way of taking him out of command."

"Brilliant."

"Hey, wait a second, who says that I wanna fake that?"

"Mary Jane says so."

He thinks it over for a moment, and then smiles. "Yeah, I could be ok with that."

"Good, 'cause someone's here. Erik, quick, jump off the bridge, and hang on to the edge of it. Gir, go somewhere else with Zim. Zim, watch carefully, so you bring Gir in at the right time."

I watched them head off, then raised my voice for the benefit of the rapidly approaching news crew. "Someone help, Erik fell off the bridge and I can't pull him back up." Ok, corny, I'll admit, but it got their attention; they set up and started reporting on how 'a despondent young man is trying to kill himself. Will he be ok? Stay tuned to channel 6 news to find out.'

Then one of those shmucks decided to try and interview me about what drove this 'poor misunderstood soul' to this point. I told 'em he was showing off by balancing on the railing of the bridge, and then he slipped. They went nuts with it, turning it into a public service announcement about how showing off to impress the opposite sex is dangerous. I was starting to get nervous that Zim wouldn't show up in time; Erik has a really weak grip and wouldn't be able to hold on that much longer. I was starting to get sorely tempted to just pull him back up and screw the whole thing, when Gir made his grand entrance.

"Ahh, no Gir, come back."

Gir then saw Erik hanging onto the railing and looked upset. "Aww, he's gunna fall." and pulled him up.

From that point, the plan went smoothly. Zim introduced Gir, followed the prearranged script to the letter. Then disaster struck…

* * *

At this point, I'm going to make the general announcement that this Fic is going on temporary hiatus, due to issues grounded in reality. It may be awhile before I'm back; however; rest assured that I will be back. Eventually. Right now, though, I am in the middle of writing another story elsewhere; anyone who wishes to know where I'm going should drop me an email, and I shall be glad to tell them. 


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